GLITTER NUN // 333

082320 x somethinginthemorning 
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I wonder what the moon is like? /: I felt weird lately while not completely unnormal for me it was sometimes more overwhelming & heavy

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 I woke up this morning from my lil nap to get ready for work, almost annoyed but half thankfull too. I looked at my self and didn’t hate Me, that was a blessing. I repeated my mantra a few times "Nothing is wrong with Me // I don't lack or lose" before Jazz called twice. When I called her back, she was sobbing but still getting to the point: “You still good for this morning? Is you gon’ be on time?” I responded and asked if she was okay rather than "what's wrong?  I struggled with what's wrong. Sometimes it was necessary, other times offensive. She said, “I'm having a rough morning, I'll be okay, I'm just crazy af” – trying to balance her madness & keep it together while falling apart, I could here she was smiling now, and still sobbing. I smiled back at the familiarity of her crazy, lol, told her I got the bar, & it's okay to cry. We are crazy af. But I loved her & it would be okay. That clarity was for us both. I knew her experience so well and had no clue at the moment what her crazy was about, I knew it didn't need pity or pep talk only space, understanding, acknowledgment for what is and a gentle reminder, that is gone be aite. Even when maybe, it wont.
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I been doing everything I can to Stay Close. It’s a constant effort. Between meditation, consistent pep talks and conversations with God; within & above Me, reinforcement, breathing, opening my body and my hands, crying, isolating, Ive been slightly successful? But I'm still struggling with Rashai’. Always , all ways. 
"just crazy af."
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246am // 082420 
I do all this self-work and affirming, reading // writing // praying, just to crash out. Wtf is wrong wit this damn girl? How did she get like this, who are you? What's wrong? I wanted to be loved. I felt I had failed. But Maybe I won? Maybe it was a blessing in disguise to see the true colors for what they were. Rather than sprinkling glitter on shit, let the shit go, keep the glitter. 
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Glitter in my veins*
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It ached even when he reached out now. I did not understand this character, or why he kept txting 'he loved me'. It was weak & slightly offensive. I held my truth, temper & tongue. There was no way. It was just no way. There were phases to heartbreak. This one felt like heat. I was no longer in denial. I was enraged. And crazy for wasting time. It felt soooo stupid. I wasn't their nomo though. Thank God. 
Nobody said Growth was Bliss. 
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I fucked up by thinking I had a friend in a friend whose intentions were never really to be my friend too. Wtf is a friend? In hindsight, dude just been trying to fuck since highschool. It probably been over 9yrs and he still couldnt get no pussy cus He didn't understand what couldn't be explained...bad as i wanted him too lol. He came and wasted my time once every yr or 2  (the longevity of fuckery was a personal problem where we too, could dive another day). I let him in my space and regretted it almost instantly. I knew I was wasting time, there was no connection or reciprocity. Both being base factors in building anything with me from Conversation to Life partnerships, if they were not in play, I did not have to waste any energy with the situation instead just conversation // comfort. There was Only Awareness in the room and lack thereof. He left and hadn't heard from him since. Maybe nxt Year, lol. 
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I was so over what did not align, all while trusting that God knew Me, even in the dark. My heart, my intentions, my struggles, my desires, my Truth. I had to surrender in Now. It was hard. 
Fuck everybody. 
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I followed this page on Twttr , @theHoodHealer. My girl was doing Gods work today. She read me down & lifted me up, in Truth. It felt so comforting to know despite my Payne. I wasn’t all alone. There was in fact some strong significant things going on with the moon, not just to Me but to other signs and sisters & Somebody understood! Thank you God somebody knew & felt Me. 
Clarity & Connection had to be Love Languages.
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maybe Im a nun. 
(the definition was funny and minimally true. Fuck it.)
This just what it is mane, love it // leave it or lose it. :): 
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3:33am
I am looking at 3:33, on my TV, on my phone, on my CPU. I saw it this morning on the way to work on a electronic Church Sign, at 5 mins, to 11. I recorded a powerful video that ended at 3:33 a few days ago. 3:33...
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I got nothing Left , from beginning to End. Just keeping it Real & Simple. 
That is all, This is Nothing. 
*bye. <3