A Real Thing ♥️

2:08pm – 10/12/20 For days, almost a full week now, I've been trying to find the words and composure to express what I feel...I'd also been trying to be the observer to the moods and the moments…Not being so stuck in my head. She'd been taking me for that ride…. -- Between my mama nursing the GrimReaper [ who, was too still, an angel, but another story for another day.] The deep disconnect and inclination with loving a lie and running from the illusion of this Self that I believed to know and desired to love.  I'm exhausted and poised in my, Fuck It.  Fuck Them, Fuck This, and Fuck Allat. I just don’t know…I just don’t care.  Self to Self has advised:  Pls, Step away from the Cliff.  Pls, Calm Down.  Pls, Relax.  Pls, Forgive Yourself.  Pls, Move On.  Pls Focus.  Pls Flow.  Pls, Align.  Pls, Surrender.  Pls Slow Down.  Pls, Keep Up.  Pls Just Be.  Pls Pls Pls….Find Rashai and let her Know The Whole World is ...

 833pm – 092620  There is turmoil between the High & Low…. right in the Middle.  Today I planned and prayed on Healing.  I also momentarily wished my complete existence could vanish into thin air; Good & Gone. I hope God love Me and Hear me and heal me from my Self.  There are dark days in the Light.  And Faith in Darkness.  Is okay  It  always gets better. Love.

3:33am – 09/30/2020 Looking at my horoscope [ A Capricorn Sun // Libra Moon & Virgo Rising Woman )  I took heed to hear my inner Source whispering subconsciously the favorite guided Mantra:   “There is Nothing Wrong w/ Me.”  I am at Peace. I just feel, good. Because I said so and because I want to.  I said what I said, which was on my mind. I don’t regret it. & That was that.  Life is too short for missed communication. Say that shit, Now.  Even if it's a whole Thing, Love & Darkness, too.  ~  Surrender is something Else. Earlier this week, Pms’n, crying, and crazy, I told my mom why I observed my emotions getting the best of me. A Capricorn is plenty of things amongst them, a mess when her money won't right. I knew this. I expressed it, and as usual, my Aries mama responded something like, “I understand your frustration but I really don’t b/c my faith is bigger than funds or money.” Her demeanor towards my struggle used to frustrate m...

317pm – 09/23/20 This morning, I woke up ugly, lol. Literally. I was disgusted with my reflection and my feelings. I meditated. Cried, got up, and decided I would be late to work b/c I was having an emergency: Just, on Edge. ~ I wonder sitting on this cliff right now…..Would I jump or would I stay scared?  Would I catch me the second that mattered long enough to feel sum?  Could I ever get to the bottom if i jumped?  Or, Would I always float in the middle, lost? Could I ground Self on this cliff in Solitude and Serenity? Or, would I Succumb to chaos and the reality of the ruins? Who knows.. The sole goal is to see the other side and live there.  So Go…Right Now.  To Space and the place mentally, emotionally and with your Soul that is void to lack/confusion.  Everything starts within….maybe you Loved the misery? That's why it stayed. Plus, you can't Be enough to Surrender here. How you think you gon' try & love something else?  crzyGirl.  These...

535am -- Somewhere in August. *** I been running out of Space at night.. I love it here…  My name Rashai [ruh-shae]. I Am a Perfect odd human.   I am  perfecting  Creating, A crzyAmazing Life.  I chose a lot of everything. Mostly to give it away.  I love who I love.  I just wanna be loved. I am happy.  I am scared.  Life is beautiful.  Life is a mess.  I am One with the Whole Thing.  ~ With this little speck of Life, What will I do?  Anything but die bout it.  Just Be. Take yo' time. It ain't much. Stay Close.  I love Us.  ♥

225pm – 09/18/20 Thank God..within x above Me. I feel blessed & better now.   I'm proud of myself…I ain't send no dumbie txt or make no mistakes I'll regret. I fought the decisions long and hard and decided: Fuck that shit…Im too built. I'm coming out this mud by my damn. This storm damn near weathered anyway. We G o OD.      I'd been being mindful of my mind, observing my life, and pouring into myself as often as I could. I needed it. Re-membering with God through meditation and writing and staying close to Us as possible. Some days still better than others but, learning how to navigate. I be trying…. Visiting this sacred Waterfall for Life & Nourishment had been significant as well. Some days the water so cool and calm, I'd just float automatically. Other days it could be very warm, a sensational sting from the temperature that took adjustment and optimism. Sometimes I showed up bare & pure and other times I came fully clothed & armored, ready ...