HRTBRKANVRSY // MAGIC CARPET

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 628pm – 81220
I was a lil faded…Maybe I should go back there? I just don’t feel like it… 
I feel nothing. I should know better by now.

Why…do I do this? 

1132am – 081320 ………..

The Light/Knowing/God the experience was like a Magic Carpet. 
If you’ve ever caught that Light experience thru silence/meditation/art/communion with Higher Self/Powers of any source you know what I mean. 
The second you think about it too much it might disappear but if you can ground yourself in that Now for just a moment to just Be with that Light source within/above you. It really had the ability to change your 
Life/Living….

Meditation = Power / Soul Charge. 

Practice what you Preach, my Love.
Understand what you Know; Know what you Know. 

Stand on the Principles that can not Change. 

I could and could not believe Rashai sometimes but I know she meant well.. "I just wanna be loved" (like YB say) lol.
 What if that is a very common truth? I think We all just wanna be loved. I couldn’t be no lame for that shit though…kill me. & Make me love myself. 

I had died in this love time and time again right but I wanted to live…That night after he played the game until about 550am right before the sun start rising he got in the bed. Didn’t say much just some shit like “Lay under me” & I tried but I was so hard. I felt that Stab again…it was deep and heavy and stinging. It’s a feeling….I could feel in every corner and crease of me…..that shit hurt. I could not fathom it. This love I spent all this time and tears, dedication too, fading & trading on me. ME. (fuck is wrong w/ emmmmmm!?!?!?!??!) It was nothing & I almost felt I was nothing......(but brief bby..so brief)

After this Deep & the Stabbing, it took about 24-72 hours to recuperate from it. I've grown. When I was greener, I might be there for weeks at a time. In the Payne heavy, fighting mySelf for Love. I pay attention to Rashai from an observational view a lot. Demeanor and confidence get different. I'm building with the real kind of confidence anyway so after all the shade is said and done…I wear the Dark all over Me…..I hated how it looked…I knew I had to be stronger after I saved myself though. I would never hang my head so low or cry so fucking much. I would never doubt my beauty despite my hair everywhere? Lol… I would just fix what I did not Love and keep on Loving Me. I would learn how to Love me from a real raw place before I ever ever ever ever ever tried loving anything small as a flower before Rashai. I had to heal before I kept lighting my self afire and burning to ashes over something that would not even understand the motives or the flames…. I wanted to fit in my own skin …. I wanted to Love Myself enough to not Hate Me for trying to Love and get it right. I wanted it to be okay…. & What was I saying again? Fuck that nigga….ima figure out how to Love. 

I am learning I am growing I am building how to Love Me. It's okay to have failed. 
We just Do. It's human and normal for your heart to break….it will keep on breaking and beating until it don’t nomore….I had to understand despite the Payne associated with this Deep Undeserving Love I gave. It was okay to give up, let go, love, and try again, in fact you had to. 
Only after you committed and dedicated your Life to Loving yourself… you cant pray and worry… 
I wanna be so pissed with me but ima just Know what I Know. I need me more than ever too so, I can't be so hard. I gotta love me … the mean, gentle, patient, learning way….
It's aite…. I am that I am…Everything. 


The Lesson? // Never Double Back out of Fear….. Fuck that Shit. Keep Growing. w/ Love.

Happy Anniversary // Heartbreak Anniversary.

Thank You God, to Power & Payne. <3


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