ONE WAY ST.

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LONG WAY DOWN // sometime before 0813

I laid there, with that familiar. Deep ache. “California King Bed” and some other gay shit played in my head as I felt this real feeling. Like I had just got punched and scraped on them like they were burned and red and tender and soft and ready to scab and be dark and sore.. Like you could feel that shit and it really hurt. It watered my eyes too think about.+++ 

The Payne of a Disconnect. 

He would not talk to Me. He didn't want too, he didn't have too and he wasn’t…He would just play in my life and play in my face. As long as allowed. I didnt know if it hurt more b/c, I thought about my approach and concern hours before asking, didn’t even get it out fully before getting shut down and knowing beforehand that this wasn’t going to work but helpless on what else I could do or try to get my Point and Love across. He shut me down and still layed up with me…It was almost as if he loved me more after he shut me Down. (duh? lol) Was it because..I knew I would fail and keep on trying and that I had done this for 10 yrs. (this coming Wednesday) and I had failed and failed and failed. Tried and failed with nothing in return. Was it b/c I knew my failure in this relationship played a reflection in my perspective in Life. And I could not Win this Way. I knew all this and I kept trying like a Lame over a Cheetah. The spiral just went down from that Ache…+++I wanted him to Love Me and I wanted him to Let ME Go. b/c he couldn't really love me. He just loved me the best way he knew how. He wasn’t willing to Grow this Love or his Self or Me or nothing. This shit was nothing. And I could still feel that Ache on Me. I cried myself to sleep in his arms again, hoping for the last time. I felt I deserved better than that. I was startled by how I didn’t understand this by Now…. +++

What love got to do w. it Babe? Whats Love? Figure it out on your own. Use You as the Experiment.+++

Its interesting to see you spin so terrible. But it is Life… and I guess it is sometimes 'Love'… This morning…he squeezed me tight…which was different. But I was already too cold. I wonder did he feel what I felt when I went dark right in his skin. Like it was almost unexplainable, the Shield & Armor that tried to protect me when somebody hurt my feelings…Especially Him…

+++

Me and my Dad had a brief conversation yesterday abt whatever he wanted to discuss. He then said “…Shai, you was right” … It took me a second to catch what I had been right about but then I laughed and said “mhm, im listening…” He went on into vague detail about his conclusion on the experience and his Universal and momentary Truth. 

“I don’t want nobody to ever look to me for Forever Love, I cant fall in Love…That’s a submission I cant ever see myself willing to take…idk” --- Later in the evening, I expressed to my Mom how my relationship with my Dad again as it had been doing a lot lately, made me recognize why my demeanor and approach with guy was the way that it was. I let them think that they were right and had all the answers. I let them shut me down and ridicule my truths and opinions…(but not too much, b/c I keep self to self, only speaking when spoken too) & I allowed them to believe that the way that they had been going about this shit was correct and … nah. Not even fucking close.

+++

I'm back at the beginning..again. I hurt // I heal. I am a product of my own destruction and madness. I pray I do better. God Would Help Me and Guide me to my Best Self and my Best Moments. to Self Love, the Real kind. But in the Meantime, Help Me. Help Me. Help Me. Help Me. Help Me. Help Me.  plz. within x above.

+++

my Intentions & my Desires are clear...kinda

You are going good. & You will do better. I love you…. We can do hard things.

It was a tough moment, and not a tough life. You are in Control. Stay in control. Don’t be crazy…be Crazy amazing. Thank You God within and above Me, for a tough lesson and not a Tough Life and the most Powerfull experiences. I am learning. I am living. I am hurting. I am growing. I am love. is all Good // all GOD. 

Fuck them people // Figure it out. 

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