PRESSURE // FAVOR

208pm – 082520 

Thank You, God, within x above Me. For Payne//Power//Perseverance. I woke up this morning and I actually was close to hating myself today b/c tbh, I ain't never my best when I'm ‘fucked’ up. I could never fake or front it neither. Even if I desperately tried. I wore emotions all over Me. Trying so hard not too, it just brought about frustration and confusion -- all Self-made. I then thought about that ‘fucked up’ term and where it truly applied. The bread was minimal. And it seemed that was the obvious and most convenient thing to 'stress' about but besides that 

Was I really fucked up? 

I asked myself this once, I was able to cry, breathe, pray & write. I concluded I wasn’t fucked up at all, in fact quite, Favored. Aligned with the Highest Purpose despite it being slow. I wasn’t eating how I was used too or how desired yet but I was Creating, I was Writing, I was Building and Blooming, from the Inside//Out. It was empowering, to say the least.

 "Buck through the rain for the Sunshine and the Rainbow"…..

 Sometimes it is a mess and beautiful. Mentally I should've prepared. I knew the days would come; Hitting the bottom, to pivot. Nobody ever said Growth/Evolution was Bliss. I can cry. It is Beautifull though. & Hard & Necessary & Lit. Now couldn’t be anything else if I wanted to bring Me & my True Purpose to Life. I had to quit corporate, take the morning shift, not make NO money but 2-3 times a week, write regularly, get my heart broke, lose friends and family & start and finish school. At the same damn time. I had to Persevere this Pressure, cus we know what that Pressure do. 

All I'm sayin' & All I'm prayin' is that We ain't talking all this clarity for nun…

The universe like: ‘you built right?’  

When it got hard. I cried. Sometimes I got dark. I never quit. So I never failed.

A Real 1. Inside//Out

Thank You God deep, within x above.

--

8:45pm 

As I wrote earlier, I had a guest come in. An older young lady who I’d seen before but not often enough to know her name. Our energies matched, meaning she ain’t need a whole lot of geniality or greetings to know she was welcomed and taken care of. We ain’t talk much the first hour. She chose her lucky machine, sat & minded her business. With the whole row of slots to herself. It wasn’t 3 minutes before the “Big Wins” started. I felt bad for my interest but I was intrigued by her luck. After her 2nd beer and admitting that she didn’t usually drink. She did what all women needed to do every so often, she vented. She lived alone, had just gotten out of the hospital w/ a prosthetic limb, and was fresh out of a bad relationship. This was her only Time out of the house, comfortably. I listened to her and only responded when absolutely necessary. In those experiences, we needed both ears & a Heart. She gambled cause in her words: 

“Fuck it, why not? Life be tricky but I'm blessed, I don’t work nowhere and don't want for nothing. I'm taken care of so I don’t worry”

...Heeeaard, Miss Felicia. Heard. 

3 beers & 3k up later, She blessed me with $250 & the janitor with $100. She reiterated “The more you give, the more God got you. You never know how you helping or what people going through, It always come back.” Lol, look at God. looking back at Me. 

Proceeding to sit back down and hit for another $750-$1k, 3-7 more times. It was quite Magically Manifested, perfect. For Me & Her. We made each others day in ways well beyond the $$. She probably played the majority of her Gift back but she was happy & smiling. Before she left, I should've hugged her but I knew based on her smile in the moment and how i was feeling, we were mirroring each other. She left with "Thank You. For Everything & Keep Being Good" I thanked her more for her Gift & for her Favor. She told me I deserved it. I reminded her whole heartedly. "You do, too."

“Nothing is Wrong with Me // I don’t lack or lose”. 

 Thank You, God. For Miss Felicia & for FAVOR. [Like I said before God//Universe gave me that car note coin ;) ] 

xx

This only the beginning & the small, simple things. 

I just show Up // keep going // & write abt it.

“Alexa! Play; Toast x Koffee”♥ 

ILoveUs.