BEAUTY & BEAST.

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 232pm x Monday // 090720

Trying not to lose me again. Already fucking lost.

546pm

I got to the shower and start bawling. I don’t know if it was the cry or if it’s the sky but I feel a lot better Now, lighter, closer. Surrendered and Safe in my Solitude. 

How beautiful and perfect my days were when disassociated with all realities outside of my own.

The weather feels perfect. I feel perfect; Flaws and all. 

--

3:59pm x Tuesday // 9/8/2020 

Sitting with my friend Jaybird♥️, and my MoMo. Friend as she scroll on her phone & MoMo as she get into everything and fight sleep. I felt better again. It was Them for Me. There was no need to address what was initially triggering b/c the fucks/fears behind the issue had evaporated into Love.

"Everybody just aint 1k." This, Me & my 1k agreed On.

Life is perfect and Life is aligned, Despite my crazy and my lessons to be learned. I hated that I failed in love. Humans I thought could never change, but only grow, folded, and changed. That was 'okay' but I had to learn this the hard way [by subconscious choice]. My feelings were just hurt, often this year. I stayed built & God kept me favored. 

Going to the car wash today after class, I held my thoughts and composure well with a triggering experience. Paying for my service and this therapy I was about to go through. I got to the belt where you put the car in neutral & just like the shower but better today, I bawled. Crying was the sum of Release & Surrender for Me. Ideal therapy & isolation.

Counseling Self, as I sat through this way deeper than the surface cleanse, I was having in this car wash, I felt my hurt and darkness & the Source of it. Observing my Growing, Flowing, Persevering Paynes, I had learned if nothing else, I had to secure my desires out of Life & relationships, out of Me. Once secure, I would be ready and willing to immerse myself into my natural feminine aura as Whole. There would become space for Gentleness & Generosity,  but not a Second sooner. I was focusing on finding the Balance & Clarity in my poise and demeanor that : 

I Am Not / I Am, The One. Just like that. 

A Beast Now, & A Beauty to See/Be.. fasho'. 

xx

Thank You, God, for Amor / MoMo and all That She & Love Is. 

Thank You for A Pure // Solid // Beating // Learning // Loving // Real // Whole // Hurting Heart. That means I am alive and living, still trying and surviving. Like I been my whole Life. 

Thank You, for this: Awareness -- What's Understood ain't never gotta be explained. When you know, you Know. I Been. even in the Dark. 

Thank You God for Growth and Realness the Whole way thru. 

I Am That I Am.

Thank You, Reader, you a Beauty & a Beast too.

Iloveus♥️

-Miss Payne

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