A Real Thing ♥️

October / ? / ?  I go into these spells, sometimes lasting for days or weeks, where I run from myself, literally.  Avoiding the mirror, Avoiding the paper, avoiding the pen, avoiding the truth. Im sure partly at this point b/c it was extremely repetitive up until very recently and also because often it just fucking hurt. Over and over and over again. Beyond that; I’m learning.  There is so much to re-member and experience. On to Brighter Things. All things Aligned for the Greater Good, eventually, I hoped.  -- I get back to myself. & then I let it all out.. I feel the need to turn my insides out in the most trying manner; thru words.  Picking, Pouring & Pruning...my reality to serve my Purpose, you know make it Make Sense.  But Life b weird.  & I have to get away.  B/c I am alone. & I need to feel that. Completely.  - With all the death and darkness, the grief, the pressure, the truth attempting to set me ‘free’.  Trying ...

2:08pm – 10/12/20 For days, almost a full week now, I've been trying to find the words and composure to express what I feel...I'd also been trying to be the observer to the moods and the moments…Not being so stuck in my head. She'd been taking me for that ride…. -- Between my mama nursing the GrimReaper [ who, was too still, an angel, but another story for another day.] The deep disconnect and inclination with loving a lie and running from the illusion of this Self that I believed to know and desired to love.  I'm exhausted and poised in my, Fuck It.  Fuck Them, Fuck This, and Fuck Allat. I just don’t know…I just don’t care.  Self to Self has advised:  Pls, Step away from the Cliff.  Pls, Calm Down.  Pls, Relax.  Pls, Forgive Yourself.  Pls, Move On.  Pls Focus.  Pls Flow.  Pls, Align.  Pls, Surrender.  Pls Slow Down.  Pls, Keep Up.  Pls Just Be.  Pls Pls Pls….Find Rashai and let her Know The Whole World is ...