A Real Thing ♥️

 833pm – 092620  There is turmoil between the High & Low…. right in the Middle.  Today I planned and prayed on Healing.  I also momentarily wished my complete existence could vanish into thin air; Good & Gone. I hope God love Me and Hear me and heal me from my Self.  There are dark days in the Light.  And Faith in Darkness.  Is okay  It  always gets better. Love.

3:33am – 09/30/2020 Looking at my horoscope [ A Capricorn Sun // Libra Moon & Virgo Rising Woman )  I took heed to hear my inner Source whispering subconsciously the favorite guided Mantra:   “There is Nothing Wrong w/ Me.”  I am at Peace. I just feel, good. Because I said so and because I want to.  I said what I said, which was on my mind. I don’t regret it. & That was that.  Life is too short for missed communication. Say that shit, Now.  Even if it's a whole Thing, Love & Darkness, too.  ~  Surrender is something Else. Earlier this week, Pms’n, crying, and crazy, I told my mom why I observed my emotions getting the best of me. A Capricorn is plenty of things amongst them, a mess when her money won't right. I knew this. I expressed it, and as usual, my Aries mama responded something like, “I understand your frustration but I really don’t b/c my faith is bigger than funds or money.” Her demeanor towards my struggle used to frustrate m...

317pm – 09/23/20 This morning, I woke up ugly, lol. Literally. I was disgusted with my reflection and my feelings. I meditated. Cried, got up, and decided I would be late to work b/c I was having an emergency: Just, on Edge. ~ I wonder sitting on this cliff right now…..Would I jump or would I stay scared?  Would I catch me the second that mattered long enough to feel sum?  Could I ever get to the bottom if i jumped?  Or, Would I always float in the middle, lost? Could I ground Self on this cliff in Solitude and Serenity? Or, would I Succumb to chaos and the reality of the ruins? Who knows.. The sole goal is to see the other side and live there.  So Go…Right Now.  To Space and the place mentally, emotionally and with your Soul that is void to lack/confusion.  Everything starts within….maybe you Loved the misery? That's why it stayed. Plus, you can't Be enough to Surrender here. How you think you gon' try & love something else?  crzyGirl.  These...

535am -- Somewhere in August. *** I been running out of Space at night.. I love it here…  My name Rashai [ruh-shae]. I Am a Perfect odd human.   I am  perfecting  Creating, A crzyAmazing Life.  I chose a lot of everything. Mostly to give it away.  I love who I love.  I just wanna be loved. I am happy.  I am scared.  Life is beautiful.  Life is a mess.  I am One with the Whole Thing.  ~ With this little speck of Life, What will I do?  Anything but die bout it.  Just Be. Take yo' time. It ain't much. Stay Close.  I love Us.  ♥

225pm – 09/18/20 Thank God..within x above Me. I feel blessed & better now.   I'm proud of myself…I ain't send no dumbie txt or make no mistakes I'll regret. I fought the decisions long and hard and decided: Fuck that shit…Im too built. I'm coming out this mud by my damn. This storm damn near weathered anyway. We G o OD.      I'd been being mindful of my mind, observing my life, and pouring into myself as often as I could. I needed it. Re-membering with God through meditation and writing and staying close to Us as possible. Some days still better than others but, learning how to navigate. I be trying…. Visiting this sacred Waterfall for Life & Nourishment had been significant as well. Some days the water so cool and calm, I'd just float automatically. Other days it could be very warm, a sensational sting from the temperature that took adjustment and optimism. Sometimes I showed up bare & pure and other times I came fully clothed & armored, ready ...

116pm -- 09/13/20 

1021pm // Some Time in September. It’s nothing. I’m good.  After a slow simple day at work where I made at least almost $100. I keep my head high knowing that I'm built to win, and to Last. I'm almost done school. I will finish with Honors and Execute gracefully in the field. period. That’s the manifesting goal, at the moment.  Get licensed // Get clients // Do GoOD by them. // Beginning to End. I stopped by my Gramuhs this evening. I try not to ever pass her house without going to say hey and I love her. She had the sweetest hugs, the purest heart, and the best smile. I'm sure she taught me how to smile and to treat trash like treasure. I even got some bonus love from my Aunt, my one & only. & Her energy was good as gold this evening too, she fed me everything she learned today about her numbers in Numerology, the moon's placement & activity. Always appreciative of her intuitive insights & scatterbrainedness, we reflected one another. Now kicking it wit...

  426am – 9/22/20  “S_E_L_F_D_E_S_T_R_U_C_T_I_V_E; I Need Help.”  I do…until I get some and probably even after, Ima smoke some weed. Right after I get this out, I'm going to smoke…& Surrender. B/c I need Help and I need my Self and ain't nobody else here.  I will look back at this mass destruction and laugh and cry at how I made it through this darkness all by myself. I didn’t die…or kill me.  Or maybe I did.  I would survive the storm, coming out with nothing but Me and I would start over and try again I guess. Until then, I cry, lol.  Through the Rain and at the Rainbow because I Am Blessed and Broken and Whole and Hurting, Healing..all together, at the same time. Knowing that I Am that I Am: A Sailing Soul Survivor, who could weather any storm. You gotta feel it to heal it and at first, it hurt. Bad. I'm just human and whole. I tried too long to a fairytale. I lost myself in my head and my heart. Not utilizing any other parts of my being like c...

10/1/20 Faith without works is Dead. Love without communication is Dead. Life without Evolution…is Dead.  R You Well? R You Living…. I think I got issues... or something…maybe this is normal. One day I am well. One day I am wild. Like I could tweak and lose my cool at any moment. My feelings hurt. My chest ache. I need to scream. I want to fight. I want to feel my rage expressed in physical form….I anticipate Payne.  Other days….there is Light. I feel it. I Relax and attract my highest good. I Am gentle w/ my brain. Gentle with my fragmented feelings. Gentle with my experience. Gentle with myself.  Then there is the static, right in the middle …. Fog so thick I could cut through it and still not see my reflection. Static so loud it took my breath away. Chaos so big It felt I might never escape this cycle.  I hated myself for Love and I just wanted to Love again.  Wtf wrong wit her? 

  333pm – 9/22/20 Thank You God. For Favor…& Bricks.  Solid, Cold, Burgundy Bricks….Don’t ask why. Feeling & thinking things again..Its like all the emotions in my body start buzzing and die at the same time. Like my heart, beating and sometimes I'd hold my breath so she could pause too and I could really hear, nothing.  Who made me this way? Why? --- These Are Moments. They don't define this Life.  Stay Close. Re-member. -- Never Forget, what you Know.  I get frustrated and fight not to go black….It can be hard. I am working towards Freedom. Within x above Me. I am built to manifest all desires through me. I must remain in Knowing what I know. With or without outside….. Bricks is hard and necessary. Butter is a smooth choice. Pick your poise. I'm boffum. All That I Am.  Thankfull for people sometimes seeing things in me when I don’t recognize them myself. Thankfull for the Balance and Eb’s and Flows. Thankfull for Awareness, Perseverance, & Pre...

  445pm – 91420   “Toast to Appreciation"  Is what we celebrated at our last Safety Meeting [SM] for the first football Sunday of the Season. I was already faded. Shailey, [ Me & my Sis, Shirley as a collective when we work the Bar together] had been toasting and taken care of with whatever we wanted our whole shift. Between Gary buying us Shots, eating french fries for balance, trying shooters we freestyled, or winging it for shift long SM’s, we were smacked and smiling and laughing so much my face hurt. This was one of many reasons why this was the longest and least hourly paying jobs I'd ever had and chose to stay with. We had too much fun.  I LOVED Pops, my FT/PT/anytime Bartending Home. I was thankful for life aligning for me to help them, help me when it did. We had so much fun getting the job done together. We were a family and sometimes families disagreed, got drunk, and forgot abt it. Sometimes families broke up moved on and came back to each other....