A Real Thing ♥️

246am – 82720 I pled insanity to Love a long time ago. I ain't trippin? lol. I'm learning Always, all ways in here. Unconditional, deep, deep. It's been that forever. I suck at fighting it. Thank You, God. Within x above Me. For Love. Internal/External the same.  + I still felt like the Sun. My world was revolving around Me & whatever tf I wanted to do. This allowed me the principle and perspective of not getting caught up in expectation of what I wanted from Man. Instead, letting it Be & focusing on Me, The Sun. Living to Shine, Exactly as I should. I am sleepy so I don’t have much but I just wanted to say Thank You for a beautiful day. WAP & Wisdom. lol.  + “You know, same ole mistakes.”  Is all GoOd. Goodnight. & Sweet Dreams. --- 1:21pm  Relax. Relax. Relax.  Stay focused. I Am That I Am. A Super Woman. The Sun. Burning Light from the Inside/Out. What’s understood ain't gotta be explained. I can't make you. I must remain Centered in my Know...

   1/22/2020 10:02pm  I have this idea about myself. I am not the most social or the most anything, let me tell it. Somedays are genuinely better than others as far as confidence and clarity go. I had to take full responsibility for myself. Like, right now. It felt to me, moments ago and for probably weeks. I'd gotten too comfortable with blaming everything on everybody else around me for my reality. It was nobody's fault; in fact, there was no fault. But, I didn't give a fuck enough. I loved me don't get me wrong, but I didn't give a fuck enough about me to make my World all about Self, obviously. & to Thrive with certain things, you had to be able to do this. I needed just enough egomania to post myself, my art and ideas on social media consistently be it for personal pleasure or business branding. I couldn't get past Me though. After you do the writing, what do you write? I guess I'm having trouble finding the desire to make people want to listen to m...

5:08pm x 121519   Sitting at my desk, prior to my lunch otp, with a character trying to maintain my composure and focus on anything other than her testing me, I noticed my Balloon. On the 6th floor, everybody has a balloon and they are all recycled but serve their purpose; floating high in the sky in celebration of You. For the past few days, I would step over this balloon, throw it up in the air, hold & hit it & it just would not stay upright. Obviously, there just wasn't enough helium in it but everybody else’s was fine. Effortlessly. I didn’t understand it and it almost threw me down the dark scale in a deeper way than the visual of it all, but I had felt like this balloon had been a clear representation of how I felt about Self sometimes. Like my name was Can’t Get Right on the movie, Life. I had never made the cut, for anything. I was not picked for the cheerleading team, nor the dance squad. I was in Journalism for personal pleasures and I played Soccer one game…...

208pm – 082520  Thank You, God, within x above Me. For Payne//Power//Perseverance. I woke up this morning and I actually was close to hating myself today b/c tbh, I ain't never my best when I'm ‘fucked’ up. I could never fake or front it neither. Even if I desperately tried. I wore emotions all over Me. Trying so hard not too, it just brought about frustration and confusion -- all Self-made. I then thought about that ‘fucked up’ term and where it truly applied. The bread was minimal. And it seemed that was the obvious and most convenient thing to 'stress' about but besides that  Was I really fucked up?  I asked myself this once, I was able to cry, breathe, pray & write. I concluded I wasn’t fucked up at all, in fact quite, Favored. Aligned with the Highest Purpose despite it being slow. I wasn’t eating how I was used too or how desired yet but I was Creating, I was Writing, I was Building and Blooming, from the Inside//Out. It was empowering, to say the least.  ...

5:55am x 8/7/2020 I decided to type instead of write to keep up with my thoughts better. I found it much more effective when I am all over the place.  + This has been a Power Period. period.(lmao so lame). Its been a good different. Around this time yesterday morning. I had just made the conscious effort and decision for the 3rd time to put my phone down and stop scrolling. I rolled me a Blunt. Took my book, ' Untamed ', and went for my first morning session.Knowing prior to opening it, that Big G [nickname i gave my girl, Glennon] was gon’ give me my whole life. I went into the rest of my read with high hopes and wide eyes. I ended with big clarity, confidence, and wet ones. Girl, Big G was all of that and then some. I finished knowing that: I/We was some muthafuckin Cheetahs. 😽 I laughed and I cried, often reading UnTamed for various valid reasons. I loved love. I loved Real Things. I lived for Authenticity & Truth. My girl, Glennon gave me all of these executed perfectl...

 3:09pm – 71920 --- Last night heading out, this man I was having a conversation with said too me: “You are not a bad bitch, you are good. Even though you think you are and would like to be, you just a good girl. and You’re a bby. Just be patient…you just need a change in scenery, you need to be around Bosses…then, maybe you will recognize your worth differently.”  He was right. --- Im really not a bad bitch, and never been. The only thing I may ever bring to the table that could be 'bad' is my mouth and attitude. Everything else was Built. I was a Built Bitch. I stood on Solidarity in Self. Figuring it out // learning and growing and knowing your Self to create a Life that made sense for each individual… Therefore, It wasnt logical to 'play' wit niggas, mind no business that didn’t pay you, nor worry about bitches and nothing they was on or into. This Life was about Me and point A-too-B. Point A, being where I am now, where I struggle, my flaws, my environment, my chal...

LONG WAY DOWN // sometime before 0813 I laid there, with that familiar. Deep ache. “California King Bed” and some other gay shit played in my head as I felt this real feeling. Like I had just got punched and scraped on them like they were burned and red and tender and soft and ready to scab and be dark and sore.. Like you could feel that shit and it really hurt. It watered my eyes too think about. +++  The Payne of a Disconnect.   He would not talk to Me. He didn't want too, he didn't have too and he wasn’t…He would just play in my life and play in my face. As long as allowed. I didnt know if it hurt more b/c, I thought about my approach and concern hours before asking, didn’t even get it out fully before getting shut down and knowing beforehand that this wasn’t going to work but helpless on what else I could do or try to get my Point and Love across. He shut me down and still layed up with me…It was almost as if he loved me more after he shut me Down. (duh? lol) Was it becaus...

  628pm – 81220 I was a lil faded…Maybe I should go back there? I just don’t feel like it…  I feel nothing. I should know better by now. Why…do I do this?   1132am – 081320 ……….. The Light/Knowing/God the experience was like a Magic Carpet.  I f you’ve ever caught that Light experience thru silence/meditation/art/communion with Higher Self/Powers of any source you know what I mean.  The second you think about it too much it might disappear but if you can ground yourself in that Now for just a moment to just Be with that Light source within/above you. It really had the ability to change your  Life/Living…. Meditation = Power / Soul Charge.  Practice what you Preach, my Love. Understand what you Know;  Know what you Know.  Stand on the Principles that can not Change.  I could and could not believe Rashai sometimes but I know she meant well.. "I just wanna be loved" (like YB say) lol.  What if that is a very common truth? I think We al...

  724pm – Wednesday x 81920  Life crzyAmazing & so Beautiful.  Im sitting up on the rooftop, having this sort of surreal, dream-like experience. Just Me and The Universe within x above. It was Nothing; It was Everything. I guess I never really pay enough attention to how Deep and Vast our boundless sky can really Be! Like sometimes I literally sank in it. I came and recognized it was the perfect moment to do just that. It was beyond my control and very simple. I would just sit here, prop my legs like a Queen, crossed. & Sit my head towards the sky, chin all the way up. I sink…I catch the spinning, the 50 shades of blue, and today the magic was the Birds. I watched this little tweety bird, just Be. Floating above me indefinitely, fluttering then gliding, and back again. I honored Her. I loved Her. I was her very own Audience and we both were just T[here]. In the most perfect moment. Just Being. & then it happened. The reality check.  There are no fucking l...

082320 x somethinginthemorning  // I wonder what the moon is like? /: I felt weird lately while not completely unnormal for me it was sometimes more overwhelming & heavy //  I woke up this morning from my lil nap to get ready for work, almost annoyed but half thankfull too. I looked at my self and didn’t hate Me, that was a blessing. I repeated my mantra a few times " Nothing is wrong with Me // I don't lack or lose " before Jazz called twice. When I called her back, she was sobbing but still getting to the point: “You still good for this morning? Is you gon’ be on time?” I responded and asked if she was okay rather than "what's wrong?  I struggled with what's wrong. Sometimes it was necessary, other times offensive. She said, “I'm having a rough morning, I'll be okay, I'm just crazy af” – trying to balance her madness & keep it together while falling apart, I could here she was smiling now, and still sobbing. I smiled back at the familiar...

1051am Lackin’ x Learnin The reality is….I might have fucked up in the best way. I think that's what life is made of though; [BM's]  Beautiful Mistakes.       I quit Corporate Amerikka (they not that bad fr, lmao) 6/2/20. I tried to stick it out for a year, which would have been 7/15/20. BUT, My presence and position in the role had both gotten terribly dark beyond my control. I couldn’t live like that & had been there before. Choosing Sanity over Security, was always like the rush of doing something sneaky; it felt right until it felt wrong. Like who did I think I was to choose my Dreams/Truth/Self over my paycheck? & people used their whole lives for a good job with benefits like this & you gone throw it all way? -- I'sholldid. & I was right.  It never Aligned outside of the Money for me; this was a [BM]. The last company I worked for, I wouldn't do business with, so how I even took the position was a bit greedy but you know, Li...

  yesterday...08092020 ♥ Why Am I Nervous????? Lol this has always been kind of weird..but fuck it. We gone learn today. I Am Miss Payne. & I Am that I Am. Everything. In this moment and for my full duration of Life, I've struggled with Inclusiveness . This post is allowing me to shed Light on this. I hope we are able to grow together. I am Here for Us but mostly Me. I need me more than yall. Overjoyed in how this platform found me and how this plan aligned so perfectly. This feels nice...like Home. It's going to be Fun and Beautiful and Real...you READY? Where Do I fit In? Not even in my own skin. But: I Am That I Am. Everything. Thank You God. It felt like I was finally comfortable in my "fuckit". I was finally ready to BE ME. FOR ME. FOR YOU. Me and My Dad were having a conversation about the media the other day and he was saying back in the day, women wrote more. There was not a social media to express yourself to like a diary. You had to pick up and get into ...